


Let's Be Bad Guys

by UnapologeticallyMeatwad



Category: Kim Possible (Cartoon)
Genre: Action/Adventure, Espionage, F/M, Heist, Partners in Crime, Reverse Indiana Jones
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-09-21
Updated: 2020-09-21
Packaged: 2021-03-07 18:54:01
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,542
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26582464
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/UnapologeticallyMeatwad/pseuds/UnapologeticallyMeatwad
Summary: It's late. Kim and Ron are both drinking their sorrows away when they are called on to do a mission. Classic protect the museum's artifacts from supervillains caper. But Kim is so sick of it. The artifacts are all stolen to begin with. So Kim runs the mission a little differently.
Relationships: Kim Possible/Ron Stoppable
Kudos: 8





	Let's Be Bad Guys

**Author's Note:**

> cw: alcohol, brief nudity

"Another whiskey sour, Miss Possible?"

"Please and thank you," Kim groans, definitely getting a little tipsy. She slouches over the bar. "Can I get extra cherries?"

"Absolutely," the bartender nods and steps away to shaky-shake all the exciting drinks.

Kim turns to Ron, sitting besides her. They're twenty three, and in their Global Justice uniforms, they look like off-duty cops. Ron politely sips from the brew he's been babying.

"C'mon Ron, lighten up," she smiles.

"I'm just trying to be careful is all," Ron squeaks. "You're three drinks in, KP! And we're on call."

"Yeah, yeah," Kim plows her face into her arms, running her fingers through her hair, snapping a few loose ends. "I think we'll be fine."

Ron raises an eyebrow. "I don't know about that, KP. Hey, are you okay? You usually don't like to go out to drink."

She looks up at him, narrowing her eyes. "Yeah, I'm frustrated today."

"What's the sitch?" he asks. "Oh-bee-vee, you can tell me. Are you breaking up with me?"

"Not yet," she smirks.

He smiles back.

"I don't understand why we're not full-time Global Justice agents yet, since y'know, we are both going way beyond full time hours," Kim says, her voice falling back into its usual neutral groove. "I feel like Betty's taking advantage of our freelance status to avoid giving us, like, benefits." She pauses and then adds on for Ron's sake, "I'm talking healthcare."

"Ah," Ron sighs.

"Hey can pour a few shots for Ron?" Kim suddenly asks the bartender.

"A few?!" Ron sputters.

"Ron, you're like a tank with your stupid powers, c'mon," Kim pats him on the back. "I asked her today if we could just get the insurance at least and she said she'll think about it. What's there to think about? I need therapy, I'm pretty messed up. And I'm guessing you are too." She pushes her hair into her face. "You've killed way more people than me."

Ron blanches. Generally, they don't talk about this. "Y-yeah." He reaches out and downs one shot. It burns down his throat and gets his tummy all wumbly. He goes for Shot #2. It takes three for him to feel any kind of lightness. Stupid monkey powers jacking up his booze bill.

Kim continues, "I'm just frustrated because I want us to have a future and this isn't sustaina—"

_Beep beep de-beep!_

"—motherfucker," Kim mumbles and pulls out her phone. "What?"

Ron cranes his neck over to see Wade chilling out in his mom's basement as always.

" _So I got a lock on Drakken's new scheme. Based on the equipment he's had Shego stealing_ —"

"I don't care," Kim says very coldly, cheeks a little more than flushed. "Where do we go?"

"— _right, um, so it's this statuette of archaeologists theorize is something important in Indonesian history, possibly dating a millenia back."_

Kim raises an eyebrow. "Why do archaeologists have it?"

_"They, uh, stole it. Anyways, it's from Indonesia. Drakken needs it to…"_

Kim makes a face.

" _...do his thing,_ " Wade wisely finishes. " _Here's the problem though: the museum staff refuse to work with Global Justice, and we can't explain why we need to protect the statuette for confidential reasons about the statuette's true power._ "

Kim groans, pinching the bridge of her nose before grabbing her next whiskey sour. She gestures at Ron to drink up and he does so. She looks back to Wade. "So we need to stop Shego from stealing it without pissing anyone off."

" _Basically,_ " Wade rasps. " _I'm estimating one hour ETA 'til this all goes down, so uh, I'm actually thinking we might want to kick this over to someone else. You guys are drinking for some reason, and_ —"

"I want to talk to Wade," Ron suddenly slurs, sticking his head over the Kimmunicator. "We're not paid for on-call time with Global Justice, unlike your on call time with us."

Wade pauses. " _Oh._ "

"S'fine. I mean, it's just Shego and Drakken anyways," Kim adds on.

"Fucking Shego," Ron shakes his head. "And fucking Drakken."

" _Riiiight_ ," Wade cringes. " _But you know, you guys could get in trouble._ "

"Whatever," Kim waves her hand and starts touching the screen. A 3D blueprint of the museum appears over Wade's face with multiple arrows cleaving through it. There's a green one that cuts clean through from the entrance, which is Shego's predicted path. And then there's a red arrow indicating what Wade is imaging for Kim and Ron, which includes dropping in through a skylight. "Let me guess. The room is noise and temperature sensitive."

" _Yeah. Any changes within a decibel or degree and alarms go off_ ," Wade says. " _Shego probably knows that. If you can piss her off enough for her to forget that and use her plasma, some laser grids will pop up, trapping her. Pretty easy I think._ "

Kim nods and looks to Ron, who is definitely swaying a little. She giggles and tosses the cherry into her mouth, splattering it over her teeth. "This sounds really easy."

"Easy peasy!" Ron shouts.

"Wade, we'll be fine," Kim smiles, and clicks off the Kimmunicator and looks to Ron with a _very_ devious smile. She almost licks her lips. "Can you call a Lyft, Ron? We need to get there ASAP."

Kim just got herself a delicious idea…

* * *

...but she's too drunk to remember it by the time they get to the museum. She's practically vibrating now with excitement. Resentful as she is of her employer, she loves the job. She loves the thrill. Her work has to always be done so quickly and _also_ precisely. Very difficult to pull off. At least for an amateur.

Setting up their break-in point is also pretty fun to figure out. What they do is carve out a hole in a skylight that just so happens to be set up over the Indonesian statuette they're protecting. And that's basically it. Using a pulley, Kim can get lowered in from above and there's plenty of ways to stop Shego in her tracks. Even if the laser grid does go up and Shego makes it through, Kim can still Shego on. She's definitely more agile than the aging green lady.

Though Kim is also a little shitfaced.

And tired.

Kim looks to the Kimmunicator, propped up by Rufus, and asks Wade, "How much time?"

" _45 more minutes until the guard rotation is ideal for a break-in_ ," Wade says.

Kim dramatically smacks her palm to her face. "Fuck, forty five minutes!?"

"Shhh," Ron rubs small circles in her back. "It'll be fine, KP. We've done longer stake outs by a lot."

Kim is so drunk and tired that she almost cries. She just wants to go to sleep now. And then she remembers — her devious, devious plan she thought up like fifteen minutes ago and totally forgot about.

Kim shakes her head and gives Wade her serious face. "Wade, kill communications. I'm going to say something you _don't_ want to know. Give us the readings of the room below though."

" _Kim_ —"

"Wade, do it."

Wade sighs and clicks off. Ron immediately turns on Kim, a little cross. "What's up?"

Kim grabs Ron by both cheeks. "We're stealing the statue."

Ron blinks. "W-w-w-w-whyyyyyy…"

"Because we can get home sooner," Kim points out. "We steal the statue, Shego breaks in, gets caught trying to find something that isn't there, and we return the statuette tomorrow. No problem."

Ron stares so hard at Kim. "I…"

"We're not employed by Global Justice officially," Kim adds on, sort of in a panic. She really just needs Ron to say yes, but he's being so wiffly waffly and she can't do it if he doesn't want to. "We don't have to play by the rules and I don't know… I'm so sick of this. I mean, we're both barely making ends meet right now and…" She does feel the tears coming on. She's been so stressed out lately.

Ron doesn't really get it because he just lets Kim make the decisions but by God. Like they just had to have an emergency surgery done on one of their pugs because their eye got infected… and they had no insurance to cover it.

"Fuck it," Ron grunts. "What do I have to do?"

"Yes!" Kim bounces up and down on her knees, doing a little dance. She plants a wet kiss on Ron's face and dives forward, hooking her utility belt up to the pulley. "Lower me in _really_ slowly. Remember, we have to be quiet." She scoops up the Kimmunicator, pocketing Rufus in one pocket, and pocketing the Kimmunicator in the other, after silencing the device.

* * *

Five minutes pass on and Kim is now halfway down the museum. It's possible Ron is lowering her _too_ gently, but she knows he's just being careful since if he puts in even just an ounce more of effort, he'll likely start overdoing it.

But Kim is nervous. She checks the Kimmunicator frequently and it doesn't make sense what she's seeing.

The temperature started at 72.8° and has steadily been going _down_. It's 72.2° now — no, 72.1° now...

Kim's face is pouring with sweat and she knows that when she lays down, she almost certainly is going to get the spins. She's radiating body heat but the temperature is going down. Why would it…

Kim chances a look up and thinks. She thinks for an incredibly long time. It's very difficult to draw conclusions like this.

But it's cold out. It's like… November or something. And the skylight is open. So.

What does that mean, Kim. Think. What does… that… mean…

Cold wind brings temperature down?

Kim looks up at Ron and motions for his attention. High up, he raises an eyebrow and mouths, " _What's the sitch?_ "

Kim does a quick pantomime for him. With two hands, she can easily do Monkey See No Evil, Monkey Hear No Evil, Monkey Speaks No Evil, which is an obvious signal that she needs his powers. But she doesn't really know how to communicate _how_ to use them.

Kim furrows her brow and Ron just kind of stares at her.

72.0°.

Motherfucker.

" _Heat,_ " she mouths.

Ron raises a pantomime spoon to his mouth and tilts his head.

She shakes her head and tries again. _"Heat._ "

Ron stares at for so long and then casts a mist of Mystical Monkey Power that flows it, radiating a very light heat. Slowly, the temperature rises back up again, stabilizing at 72.4°. Kim gives Ron a thumbs up and he continues to lower her.

Finally, she's in front of the statuette and like every other caper, she has to work with very touch sensitive glass. First, she starts with laser lipstick. It works like a charm, though she'll admit the penmanship of the circle hole she burns in is bad. It looks more like… the shape of an amoeba.

Worse — it doesn't fall out.

But that's where Rufus comes in. Kim reaches into her pocket and gently pulls Rufus out, shushing him immediately. The smart creature nods back and Kim extends her arm to the glass, fingertips as she gets as close as possible without touching anything and Rufus reaches in, claws tiny enough to slip between the crack she burned.

Kim's hope is that the touch sensitivity no longer applies to the glass that's no longer connected.

She's right.

Rufus pulls out the glass and Kim pockets that along with Rufus. Now she has sweat dropping over her eyes, blurring her vision. She wipes it away with her sleeve, but the rough Kevlar just irritates her eyes even more and makes it worse.

She checks the temperature real quick.

73.2°.

Woof.

Kim does a very gentle kick and swings forward just a hair. She swings back and kicks again. Quietly enough to not make too much noise, and softly enough to not overshoot. It takes five full arcs before she's close enough to try it.

First attempt, she reaches through the hole and grabs the statuette. She moves it like an inch before she has to let go. Otherwise her fingers would hit the glass.

She needs to grab it, turn it sideways, and fit it through.

Second attempt, she grabs it and flips it, but doesn't get it high enough and has to drop it.

It makes a quiet _ploomph_.

It's enough to make the decibel meter go yellow. It goes red and they're dead.

Third attempt, her knuckle dips really low — it nearly bumps the glass but she makes it through.

And she just kinda hangs there for a moment, just staring at the statuette. It's very light and the textures on it are beautiful. It was clearly made with a lot of love by someone.

She spins her finger, indicating to Ron that it's time to pull her up.

She returns to staring at the statuette. She has it. And she'll return it tomorrow but already… she's thinking she doesn't want to. Because someone's just going to try to steal it.

And didn't the museum steal it first?

She doesn't know a lot about it, but she's sure Wade could tell her about the history of theft in museums. She just has a feeling that the museum has it just to have it and feel good, but the indigenous people who carved this thing should have it because it's their culture. Not the culture of rich white people who have the time to stare at art.

Ron gently takes Kim by the hips, and pulls her back into the cold night air. He sets her down and moves fast, resetting everything so that it's like they weren't even there. It's pretty hot to watch. Ron's still a skinny dude, but man, he knows how to _work_. Guy is smarter than people give him credit for.

He looks back at her when he's done and flashes his pearly whites at her. "That was _amazing_ ," he says. "Shego would eat her heart out, that was like, _pro status_."

"Yeah," Kim says dimly, setting the statuette down and leaning into Ron. She wants him so bad right now, her hand going for his crotch immediately.

He gently touches her chest, pushing her back. "Let's go home first."

* * *

Kim wakes up naked in bed besides Ron in their shitty studio apartment. Her whole body aches. She rises out of bed slowly, squinting into the daylight pouring in through their window. Lazily, she slips on one of Ron's jerseys and some underwear, and checks in with her Kimmunicator, mostly to scroll through social media.

But she only gets to scroll for a minute before Wade calls. Kim glances at Ron who's still sleeping and — d'awwwww… he's smiling at whatever he's dreaming about. So cute — and pops in some earbuds. "Hey Wade, Ron's asleep," Kim whispers.

Wade looks very upset. " _Kim, did you steal the statuette? Is that why you asked me to hang up?_ "

Kim blinks. "Y-yeah. Why?"

" _Oh God,_ " Wade gasps. " _Dude, bad idea. Museum's pissed, Global Justice is pissed…_ "

"Well, they can go fuck themselves," Kim says. "I didn't feel like waiting. So I figured I'd set Shego up in a trap. Did it work by the way?"

" _Yeah, they arrested her last night. She was trying to find the statuette for so long that eventually she slipped up, but Kim_ —"

"Hell yeah."

"— _yeah I know, it's really cool but Kim. Global Justice has disavowed both you and Ron._ "

Ooh, that hits really hard.

"What?" she asks.

" _You're disavowed. I think I'm next too._ "

Kim looks over her shoulder. "Ron, can you go make coffee?"

Ron's eyes pop open and gives her a thumbs up, hopping out of bed without putting anything on. He immediately gets distracted by their golden retriever who charges into Ron's waist like a battering ram.

"Ron!" Kim snaps, and looks back to Wade. "Well, we're definitely not giving the statuette back now," she whispers.

" _Wait… you're just gonna take it?_ "

"Yeah," Kim shrugs. "RON! COFFEE!"

"Sorry!" Ron shouts back.

Kim looks back to Wade. "Anyone coming for us?"

" _Will Du. ETA like two minutes._ "

"That's fine," Kim sighs. "I wanna return the statuette to whatever indigenous tribe it came from. And then, I don't know, I guess we could keep robbing museums. We're pretty good at it. You want in?"

Wade blinks. " _Just like that?_ "

"Yeah, just like that," Kim forgets to whisper. "I'm sick of these stupid Global Justice jobs. We're always protecting rich people. It's dumb."

"So dumb!" Ron echoes from the kitchen. "What are you guys talking about?"

Kim looks back. "We've been disavowed."

Ron pokes his head out. "Aw shit, really?"

Kim nods. "'Fraid so."

"Maaaaaan."

" _I…_ " Wade stutters. " _Wow. What about money, and_ —"

Kim holds up a finger for Wade to pause; he does. She unplugs the earbuds and gives him the signal to continue.

"— _health insurance and stuff? No one's gonna pay for you to return artifacts to ancient cultures,_ " Wade finishes.

"That's true," Ron says, apparently picking all of this up really quickly, stepping out in a pair of jeans, mostly for Wade's sake. He bumps Kim's hip and gives her a snide look.

Kim thinks for a second. "Not like traditionally, but we could start our own nonprofit and use your name as the CEO to snag us all good health insurance, and then people can donate to fund our expeditions since it will be costly."

Wade blinks. " _You've thought about this a lot._ "

"No, I'm just big brained," Kim hands Ron the Kimmunicator. "Hold this."

Kim walks over to the door while Ron continues to talk to Wade, and waits with crossed arms. A few seconds into this, the door cracks apart to pieces before Kim and Will Du in full armor rushes in. Kim doesn't even need to move from her spot to grab him by the front chest plate and hurl him over her head and onto the bed.

Will kicks his feet like a baby and Kim walks up to him, ripping his helmet off and punching him in the face. Hurts like a bitch and bruises her knuckle, but totally worth it. She looks to Wade and Ron, beaming.

"You guys ready to peace out?"

* * *

It takes a week and a half for Kim to find the correct tribe to give the statuette back to. It's difficult because she has to run it solo, and the Kimmunicator doesn't know most of the languages the indigenous people speak.

But she makes it worth out, and she comes back to their temporary hideaway feeling pretty damn good about herself. She steps in to Ron and Wade drinking tea together.

"Back already?" Kim asks, running her hand along his sloped shoulders as she passes by.

"Yeah," Ron says, definitely a little fatigued. "I ended up using Hank Perkins, you remember him right?"

"Cupcake guy?" Kim asks.

"Yeah," Ron nods. "He rushed the trial for us, and was able to get us declared not guilty off all the evidence being circumstantial. And besides, with the proof that we were both wasted, KP, it's hard to prove we were even capable of stealing it."

"Hell yeah," Kim bumps her fist to his and looks to Wade as one of the dogs jumps on Kim to give her kisses. "You did it with a wink-wink though, like I asked, right?"

"Oh yeah," Ron grins like a little kid. "People _totally_ know it's us, they just don't get how we could've done it."

"Everything's going smooth," Wade says, a little withdrawn. He's not used to working in-person, but he'll give into it eventually. "We got the up, a lot of people are already giving just off your name recognition…"

"How many?" Kim asks, draping her legs over the armrest.

"Like, $1500-something so far," Wade says. "Health insurance stuff is slow, but I think we can manage. Honestly, if Hank won us the case, we might want to have him as our lawyer…"

"Yeah, Hank was good, KP," Ron adds on.

"Sure," she says. "So what's next?"

Wade smiles at her. "We just need to know our next gig."

Kim laughs and sits back up. The two boys lean in with a ton of interest.

She grins and starts to weave them the tale. " _Well_ , the British Museum is infamous for not returning stolen artifacts… Nigeria wants their Benin bronzes back. It's like, a huge wall full of these really beautiful stones and tablets, it's rich with history."

Ron and Wade stay still.

"But that's a big op," Kim explains, "We don't have that yet, but I want it to be our reach goal. I'm talking, like a _crew_. Let's keep our eyes peeled for potential candidates, and for now we stay small."

"Small?" Ron repeats.

"Egypt," Kim says. "They want their Rosetta Stone back. The British Museum says no. _So._ "

"I'll book the flights ASAP," Wade says, pulling over his laptop.

Kim looks to Ron and pulls out the map she just so happened to have in her belt. "Let's go over the schematics."

Ron leans in, and then looks up. "Yo, you want some coffee?"

"Fuck yeah, I do," Kim grins. "Coffee first, and then we steal that damn stone back."

**Author's Note:**

> I've had this idea for a long time and decided to just bang it out in one sitting. Definitely inspired by the Mission Impossible movies. : ) Hope you enjoyed!


End file.
